Epiphany.

So I totally recognize that I was never the hippest kid, but writing the last made me realise that if I did want to be I'd have no idea where to go. I don't know what's "cool" anymore.

Am I old or just out of touch?

So I've recently discovered that gym culture has reached the middle school. Subbing last week I had the opportunity to eavesdrop on a 12 year old boy professing his love for working out and "getting jacked" for approximately 45 minutes... coupled with the subsequent oohs and ahhs from pre-pubescent girls begging to touch his biceps.

Yesssss.


I wish that the present-day role models* that define "cool" weren't so effing lame. Or at least didn’t take themselves so seriously.



*That is, people on MTV.

courtesy of will, from a long time ago

cat sandwich

so i know that this isn't really a post... but is it wrong that this picture makes me laugh? as in, a whole lot?

a page from someone else's book (get it? book!!)

Happy Birthday Big Sister :)

leila, josh & jane

Just know that you will always be older than me.

(And I realise that tomorrow is actually your birthday, but I won't be here so I wanted to tell you today, since evidently you still believe in not having a phone. Ass.)

JPT-AT-BST: Toolishness Defined

Tool is one of my favourite words. I use it a lot; truth be told, the term is quite ambiguous and often taken the wrong way, which is admittedly my own fault for using it in both a positive and pejorative sense. I've gotten many questions regarding it's actual definition that I can't really explain (because of both my lack of articulation skills and the fact that the word is, to me, dichotomous in meaning). So I've decided an attempt is in order, if only through use of explanatory pictures.



jackass & useless
The J-P (Just Plain) Tool:
Often characterised by artificially dishevelled hair and complete lack of purpose, these are most prominently found in the music business, and often among the always exploding singer-songwriter set. Office Space's moniker-challenged Michael Bolton refers to the singer-songwriter of the same name as a "no-talent ass clown" and I feel that that those four words brilliantly describe the JPT. Carson Daly--I mean, what is his purpose other than wearing nail polish? Ryan Cabrera, who I had the pleasure (cough) of seeing in concert in university, is another perfect example because he's really just not very talented. At all. (And I am in no way labelling all singer-songwriters with artificially dissheveled hair as JPTs--Ben Harper, for example, actually has talent.)



vin
The Awesome Tool:
As I watched seagulls* being their-usual-retarded-selves outside just moments ago, I started to consider the word while on the phone with a friend. While recounting my recent adventures in Montreal, I mentioned that I had recently had the pleasure of viewing the major motion picture XXX, starring one Vin Diesel. If you haven't had the opportunity to see this film, I reccommend that you do so if and only if you really, genuinely appreciate this class of tool, which Vin optimally characterises. He is all that the J-P is, but so over the top that it's simply, well, awesome. He has huge bulging muscles and a huge bulging ego. His attitude is, surprisingly, also both huge and bulging. The difference is that he--unlike the J-P--has the huge ego and attitude for a REASON. He has street smarts! He can jump over Colombian cocaine plantations on a dirtbike with no apparent inclined plane from which to take off! He says things like "The things I'm going to do for my country" right before he beds some scantily clad Russian prostitute that we see no where else in the movie!

The Broken-Shovel Tool:
This term was coined by a friend and myself because we couldn't come up with a suitable descriptor for this guy we both couldn't stand. I have no way to describe it besides posting his picture, which I probably shouldn't. The broken-shovel says it all... COMPLETELY USELESS. No redeeming qualities. None. Different from the JPT because sometimes JPTs at least provide some eye-candy. BSTs don't even offer that. (And shut up, you know you love the phrase "eye-candy" just as much as everyone else.)


*Who knew Augusta was so varied in it's fauna? I can only assume they got lost and decided to make this oh-so-enticing metropolis their new home. As opposed to the ocean. Where they don't have to eat cigarette butts to survive.

Alien:Snow Chink?

Does it make me a bad person that I find it incredibly funny that thesaurus.com has "wetback" listed as a synonym for "stranger?"



Personally, I find "wetback" to be a most uncreative racial slur.

A quasi addendum.

Okay, so I have a confession to make. That ultra-Christian girl in my class that never "gets" anything? I don't want to kick her in the junk, I just feel like I SHOULD want to. She's just so cute and naive that she plays the same part in my life as the show Seventh Heaven: a daily dose of good Christianity that I'll never have, being condemned to hell already. A play we read said the phrase "bumping uglies," and she blushed! I had thought blushing had died with the Victorians!

It's evidently alive and thriving in the Campus Crusade for Christ.

A List of Five

5 Fantastically Bad (and sometimes actually quite good) Musical Moments:*

-"Girl I Want To Make You Sweat"
-Whitesnake's epic "Here I Go Again" video, featuring Tawny Kitaen (Actually quite good. Strike that: Actually quite RAD)
-Summer Girls, by LFO
"I like the color purple, macaroni and cheese, ruby red slippers and a bunch of trees." Pure poetic genius.
-That whole Janet Jackson's superbowl boob thing.
I recently was fortunate enough to witness firsthand the five second disrobing of Ms. Jackson by the venerable JT, on repeat, for approximately 20 minutes. The only thing I learned was that for someone who "accidentally" had her breast exposed on live national television, she didn't look particularily upset. Then again, he did threaten to "have [her] naked by the end of [the] song."
-And of course, no list would be complete without the immortal mortification of that crazily ambiguously gay duo known as Milli Vanilli


Runnerup: Fabolous. Just about anything, and totally worth mentioning. Especially the line "Looking at your onion girl makes me cry" in a recent hit single. Besides, his veneration of himself as "F-A-B-O-L-O-U-S" is fabulous in itself, because he is so obviously not and is apparently making a joke about it, which is indicative of a sense of humour.

And he's sort of hot.


*NOTE: This list is in no way comprehensive or cast in stone. If you perhaps wish to make it "6" Fantastically Bad Moments, just say the word.

4 Random People I Wish I Could Kick in the Junk:
-Carrot Top
-The woman on DirecTv that hocks DirecWay, the company's premium satellite internet service (okay, she's not famous, but she desperately wishes she was)*
-This hyper Christian girl in one of my classes that never "gets" vulgarity, sex, or anything remotely interesting
-John Steinbeck**


*I suspect that this rather mannish woman does in fact, have junk
**in the case of the already dead, "Wish I Could Reanimate and Kick in the Junk"

3 Musical Artists I Can't Tolerate:

-Skinny Puppy
-Shania Twain
-Stevie Nicks (Though Fleetwood Mack absent of is completely kosher)

Ooh, they all begin with 'S.' As in, um, suck.

2 Social Sub Catagories That Leave Something to Be Desired:

-Tie: Aspiring Hipsters & Super Angsty Emo Kids
-Tools of the Broken Shovel Variety


& ...

1 Guilty Pleasure:

The word "crunk"

(if anyone can give me a real, solid definition of this word, I would forever be indebted. As of now, I like the explanation of a friend as "crazy drunk" but hopefully it has a more interesting meaning)

Music to Make Love to Your Old Lady By OR: "Girl, you know I like it when you get on top/ love muscle feelin' tighter than a headlock"

Recently there has been much contention regarding the etymology of the name of one of my favored rap groups:

1. g-unit
g-unit aka g u n i tizze
yo i dont wana here ne of you alpo bitch ass niggas talkin bout my nigga lloyd banks
Source: will, Aug 11, 2004

2. G-Unit
The ward of a hospital between the F-Unit and the H-Unit
Usually where Pimps go during a medical emergency
Soon after his run-in with the fuzz, Chester was admitted into the G-Unit under the care of Dr. Mc
Source: D. Horatio Núñez, Mar 29, 2004

3. g-unit
g-unit stands for gorrilla unit obviously. It's called gorilla unit because fifty cent looks like a monkey.
"yo fiddy, yo nose is so hizuge (like a monkey) dat im gonna call yallz gorrilla unit cuz ya look like friggin monkeys." "yo p.i.m.p (means poop in my pants) dat nigga jus called us monkeys, ya hurd." "das cool g, we jus make a fake gang ta make ourselves look like we real gangstas even though wes all wankstas like ja rizule
Source: biz markie (jus playyin, my names alex), Jun 16, 2004

--all courtesy of urbandictionary.com (props to alex for his honesty informing us that he is not, in fact, really biz markie)

The last one, although riddled with untruths regarding 50 Cent's likeness to a primate and various hater speech, is the most correct. (Don't be fooled by the unfamiliar language; it's called ebonics and is spoken among a select number. I've so far been unable to infiltrate the ranks and crack the code. If anyone has any ideas, let me know.)

G-Unit, or Guerrilla Unit, is a reference to "an irregular, usually indigenous military or paramilitary unit operating in small bands in occupied territory to harass and undermine the enemy, as by surprise raids... the term guerrilla is the diminutive of the Spanish word guerra, war. Perhaps this Spanishy-Latin influence is why the members of said unit seem to so highly approve of cocaine.

G-Unit consists of urban soldiers 50 Cent, Lloyd Banks, Young Buck and the currently incarcerated Tony Yayo of O.G. (Original Guerrilla) fame.* Their battles are mostly of the rap variety.

The G-Unit official website provides this information and more, including buddy-icons and an assortment of pictures of the remaining non-incarcerated trio wielding guns and wearing so many diamonds that one assumes their gangster power defies not only the law, but gravity as
well.

g-unit

(I think that the white stuff is either cocaine or crushed diamonds.)

*Though he was in jail at the time that 50 and crew rose to sucess, Yayo assures us he's "not a hater [he's] a congratulator." A real gangster, I suppose, is nothing but happy for his counterparts enjoying enough groupie love and p.i.m.p. status to warrants songs while he sits in prison and makes do with sporadic conjugal visits.